Grievences against the Definistration and Revival of the Alarm Clock by Lizzie Boardman

When, in the course of one’s daily events, it becomes necessary for one to arise from their sleep and assume the responsibilities of the daytime, one is usually awoken by means of the sun or, less fortunately, by means of an alarm clock. Among my many possessions, I am unfortunate enough to stow an alarm clock.
Thus, we can hold these truths to be self-evident: that all alarm clocks fulfill their purposes with sounds of utmost vexation; that by doing so, they have detrimental affects on all of mankind, leaving us with less hearing ability than we had before we laid our heads to rest the night prior; that all men, in their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, have right to alter or abolish their alarm clocks, as the alarm clock may only derive power from the consent of their masters in slumber.
It was I, on that fateful morning, who was at fault of the defenestration of the alarm clock, when its dreadful sound could be heard from afar, and the slight of my hand quickly disposed of it, out the window. When its landing was heard, and its death assumed, I thought my torment from that dreadful object had finally come to an end. However my ignorance was proven the following morning, when my alarm clock, which I had fetched, was not in fact destroyed from the fall, but was in quite good condition, if not louder than before.
It has endeavored to prevent the majority of the people to reach their needs in sleep during the night, shortening their rightful hours of peace.
It has refused to turn off when turned off by its master, leading to temperamental discomfort, felt by the master and those around him
It has been unreliable as far as promptness and led its master to grave consequences, not of his own fault.
How is it that God, he who had created this good and equal earth, and taken all good men under his charitable wing, hath laideth unto us, this object of pure evil? Why are men awoken at all hours of the night to find it not yet light? Is it not a deliverance from Satan, to wake us in the hours of darkness and indulge in his sinful play, drawn in by fear of the unknown, as the eyes of men do not see in dark as they do in the light of day?