When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to briefly inhabit the washrooms, as God intended, we are faced with an insufferable inequality: the resources found in the ladies washrooms are lacking greatly.
The inalienable rights of men (and women) proclaim that we all have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of comfort. It is the right of those of us who have long been held in the sway of men to secure these rights, as has not been custom. Our inalienable rights are not recognized. The long train of abuses and usurpations of architects have long held the patient sufferers hostage.
When waiting with far more patience than the situation deserves, for an opening in the washroom, our inalienable rights are neglected. How terrible is our plight, that the gentle citizens of the world cannot exercise their inherent rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of comfort while patiently waiting for the end of these most terrible violations of her inalienable rights!
The atrocities revealed here, which were brought about by merciless architects and plumbers, is the destruction of all sexes. The horrors that await women in the washroom may seem unfit for your most esteemed attention, good Sir, but while your lady is taken captive by the cruelty of architects and plumbers you, who has never offended the aforementioned torturers, will be left robbed of your own time and rights, as you wait for intolerable hours for the return of your sweet lady.
An architect, whose character is thus marked by a lack of compassion for the world’s dearest ladies, is unfit for the halls of men. Join in, and lay bare the assemblage of horrors carrying us into slavery to the washrooms, which has so devastated a people fostered and fixed in the principles of freedom.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Declaration of Independance in All Matters Related to Kayaking
When, in the course of outdoor events, it becomes necessary for a staff to disobey the wishes of the kayak coordinator and assume that the powers of the earth and sea are far greater than their own powers, to which God has entitled them, a decent respect to the angry wrath of Poseidon requires that they should summarize the water conditions which impel them to disobedience.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all staff are created equal, that they are endowed by Post with certain inalienable rights; that among these are outdoor trips, warmth and large tubs of Jelly Beans™; that to secure these rights, Executive Committee positions are instituted among staff, deriving their power based on seniority and savagery; that whenever any EC member becomes destructive to these ends, it us the right of the staff to refuse to obey their wishes and act in a manner to secure their own warmth. Prudence will dictate that such rebellions mush not be for causes trivial in nature, but the history of the present kayak coordinator is one of unremitting acts of tyranny, oppression and behavior showing open callousness towards hypothermia. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:
He has required us to perform impossible acts of physical strength and dexterity while suspended upside down underwater.
He has forced us into watery bodies as unseasonable times of the year without the least concern for our well-being.
He has opposed with manly firmness the use of wetsuits and other devices essential to preventing hypothermia.
He has erected a multitude of new requirements to staff kayak and has harassed us continually regarding this matter.
He has refused to take action necessary to ensure the rights of the staff to have hot cocoa after being in cold water, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together kayak trainings at places unusual, uncomfortable and distant from the homes of staff for the sole purpose of denying them hot showers.
For canceling night kayaks, for taking out provisions, for making us sleep outside, for taking away our dry clothes and altering fundamentally the forms of our trips.
In every stage of these oppressions we have whined, objected, protested, picketed and appealed, in the most humble terms; our repeated whining has been answered only by incoherent mumblings.
An EC member whose character is thus marker by every act which may define someone who does not believe in the 3rd stage of hypothermia is unfit to lead kayak trips for a staff who mean to survive the weekend.
We therefore, the staff of Garfield High School Outdoor Education Post on Lopez Island assembled do, in the name of all Post members, declare that we shall no longer obey the wishes of Ben Miller and that we will no longer recognize him as kayak coordinator. We declare ourselves free and independent kayakers, and, as such, we have the power to put on our own spray skirts, set courses, go for night kayaks and do all other acts which free and independent kayakers may, of right, do.
And for the support of this declaration, we mutually pledge to each other our positions of staff, our lives, and our rights to change the music on the kitchen speakers.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all staff are created equal, that they are endowed by Post with certain inalienable rights; that among these are outdoor trips, warmth and large tubs of Jelly Beans™; that to secure these rights, Executive Committee positions are instituted among staff, deriving their power based on seniority and savagery; that whenever any EC member becomes destructive to these ends, it us the right of the staff to refuse to obey their wishes and act in a manner to secure their own warmth. Prudence will dictate that such rebellions mush not be for causes trivial in nature, but the history of the present kayak coordinator is one of unremitting acts of tyranny, oppression and behavior showing open callousness towards hypothermia. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:
He has required us to perform impossible acts of physical strength and dexterity while suspended upside down underwater.
He has forced us into watery bodies as unseasonable times of the year without the least concern for our well-being.
He has opposed with manly firmness the use of wetsuits and other devices essential to preventing hypothermia.
He has erected a multitude of new requirements to staff kayak and has harassed us continually regarding this matter.
He has refused to take action necessary to ensure the rights of the staff to have hot cocoa after being in cold water, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together kayak trainings at places unusual, uncomfortable and distant from the homes of staff for the sole purpose of denying them hot showers.
For canceling night kayaks, for taking out provisions, for making us sleep outside, for taking away our dry clothes and altering fundamentally the forms of our trips.
In every stage of these oppressions we have whined, objected, protested, picketed and appealed, in the most humble terms; our repeated whining has been answered only by incoherent mumblings.
An EC member whose character is thus marker by every act which may define someone who does not believe in the 3rd stage of hypothermia is unfit to lead kayak trips for a staff who mean to survive the weekend.
We therefore, the staff of Garfield High School Outdoor Education Post on Lopez Island assembled do, in the name of all Post members, declare that we shall no longer obey the wishes of Ben Miller and that we will no longer recognize him as kayak coordinator. We declare ourselves free and independent kayakers, and, as such, we have the power to put on our own spray skirts, set courses, go for night kayaks and do all other acts which free and independent kayakers may, of right, do.
And for the support of this declaration, we mutually pledge to each other our positions of staff, our lives, and our rights to change the music on the kitchen speakers.
The Need of a Film Program at Stagedoor Manor
Pastiche of Jefferson’s The Declaration of Independence
When attending the prestigious program of Stagedoor Manor located in the state of New York, the commonality between all the students is an irrevocable passion for the performing arts, but the three to nine week intensive fails to offer a completely separate film program in addition to the outstanding theatre program, which by nature is unjust in reference to those in pursuit of following a true passion of acting on film and or a career in the film industry.
This argument is self- evident in the sense that many young adults who have an extraordinary drive for the performing arts have a greater passion for film in contrast to theatre. All students of Stagedoor Manor have a right to audition for a solely film intensive, and have a right of a choice between film or theatre during their time at this highly reputable establishment. It is the students who hold the power of the future of Stagedoor Manor, and they who also hold the right to participate in all film opportunities.
Stagedoor Manor attracts an exceptionally wide variety of diversity throughout the world, but will dominate in further justice if another solid branch of performing arts is offered. It is unjust to not offer such a program to the further echelon of young performers, for all deserve the right to liberty of choice and career. This program is solely for the further educational process of a film intensive, and will offer as much time and effort to create such a successful program as the theatre program does currently. The justification of the arguments for a film program at Stagedoor Manor should be known to all students, faculty, and aspiring participants.
Many aspiring young adults who love the performing arts have a passion for film work, in contrast to theatre, and Stagedoor Manor is losing its revenue in failing to offer more than a few classes that focus on film.
A film program will feature those with major talent in the industry, while a solely theatre program generally cannot showcase these students’ talent with lack of camera work.
To try something new is a major goal of Stagedoor Manor, and it therefore contradicts itself with a lack of a film program. This is ultimately unjust to not offer the opportunity of improvement for the students who have a right to access all aspects of the performing arts.
Stagedoor Manor is a well known program that has flourished with a variety of talented adolescences, but also should have more press and attraction level in order to obtain a greater diversity of faculty and students.
We therefore, as returning students of Stagedoor Manor, appealing to future program film plans, and the name and authority of its faculty and recipients, solemnly publish and declare that it is the right of the students for a strong solely film program in Stagedoor Manor to be established. This is a mission of pleasing all audiences present, increasing revenue for Stagedoor Manor, and insuring peace and liberty of those repeatedly requesting for this transaction to occur. For the support of this Declaration with a firm reliance on the success of the future of this performing arts program and future students, we mutually pledge a film program to be established.
When attending the prestigious program of Stagedoor Manor located in the state of New York, the commonality between all the students is an irrevocable passion for the performing arts, but the three to nine week intensive fails to offer a completely separate film program in addition to the outstanding theatre program, which by nature is unjust in reference to those in pursuit of following a true passion of acting on film and or a career in the film industry.
This argument is self- evident in the sense that many young adults who have an extraordinary drive for the performing arts have a greater passion for film in contrast to theatre. All students of Stagedoor Manor have a right to audition for a solely film intensive, and have a right of a choice between film or theatre during their time at this highly reputable establishment. It is the students who hold the power of the future of Stagedoor Manor, and they who also hold the right to participate in all film opportunities.
Stagedoor Manor attracts an exceptionally wide variety of diversity throughout the world, but will dominate in further justice if another solid branch of performing arts is offered. It is unjust to not offer such a program to the further echelon of young performers, for all deserve the right to liberty of choice and career. This program is solely for the further educational process of a film intensive, and will offer as much time and effort to create such a successful program as the theatre program does currently. The justification of the arguments for a film program at Stagedoor Manor should be known to all students, faculty, and aspiring participants.
Many aspiring young adults who love the performing arts have a passion for film work, in contrast to theatre, and Stagedoor Manor is losing its revenue in failing to offer more than a few classes that focus on film.
A film program will feature those with major talent in the industry, while a solely theatre program generally cannot showcase these students’ talent with lack of camera work.
To try something new is a major goal of Stagedoor Manor, and it therefore contradicts itself with a lack of a film program. This is ultimately unjust to not offer the opportunity of improvement for the students who have a right to access all aspects of the performing arts.
Stagedoor Manor is a well known program that has flourished with a variety of talented adolescences, but also should have more press and attraction level in order to obtain a greater diversity of faculty and students.
We therefore, as returning students of Stagedoor Manor, appealing to future program film plans, and the name and authority of its faculty and recipients, solemnly publish and declare that it is the right of the students for a strong solely film program in Stagedoor Manor to be established. This is a mission of pleasing all audiences present, increasing revenue for Stagedoor Manor, and insuring peace and liberty of those repeatedly requesting for this transaction to occur. For the support of this Declaration with a firm reliance on the success of the future of this performing arts program and future students, we mutually pledge a film program to be established.
Jefferson is turning over in his grave right now (by Matt B)
When, in the course of writing events, it becomes necessary for one people to stave off their homework until the morning of, and to assume that God has entitled them that they can achieve its completion before it is due, a decent respect to the opinions of sleep requires that they should declare the causes which compel them to delay.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all pens are created equal; that they are equally endowed with the inherent ability to write; that they can in due time create an essay, a letter, and a whole lot of doodles; that to compete with the pen, computers are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the wall sockets; that whenever any form of computer becomes distracting from these ends
….
He [writer’s block] has refused to assent to the schedule most wholesome and necessary for the GPA’s good.
He has dragged the writer off to Facebook, and repeatedly forced upon him the need to reply to every post, poke, and otherwise, unless one party in question has attacked his Slayer or has brought upon his honesty box a series of anonymous messages.
He has most unceremoniously refused to allow words to be put on paper.
He has both on and staved off sleep at moments when it is unfortunate for the writer’s well-being.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all pens are created equal; that they are equally endowed with the inherent ability to write; that they can in due time create an essay, a letter, and a whole lot of doodles; that to compete with the pen, computers are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the wall sockets; that whenever any form of computer becomes distracting from these ends
….
He [writer’s block] has refused to assent to the schedule most wholesome and necessary for the GPA’s good.
He has dragged the writer off to Facebook, and repeatedly forced upon him the need to reply to every post, poke, and otherwise, unless one party in question has attacked his Slayer or has brought upon his honesty box a series of anonymous messages.
He has most unceremoniously refused to allow words to be put on paper.
He has both on and staved off sleep at moments when it is unfortunate for the writer’s well-being.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Cry to the Aristocrat by Amy Deng
My brother: No one thinks more highly than we do of the freedom, as well as the companionship that we wish to share with you. But you, my brother, have changed so much from what you used to be; I am not sure of whether you can accept the words that I will present you. You probably do not have any memory of the fact that you were once the same as I, and the same as my pack, my family, the wolves. You probably do not recall the days you were once running along side with me, hunting freely, devouring the juicy flesh of a freshly killed rabbit, howling along side with me, searching for the place of our dreams; roaming the lands openly, destined with ambition to find the entrance to paradise.
But you, my brother, did not want to pursue this dream with us any longer; you did not want to run with us, hunt with us, eat with us, nor did you want to search for paradise with us. Instead, you abandoned us; you left us behind and walked off into a road of your own. As the years passed, your luscious fur has began to fall out little by little, your teeth have began to dull; even your keen eyesight has worsened and your ears shrunk and started to grow to the side of your head; without noticing you lost your tail and began to walk on two legs; you have produced more of your kind, so much more that it has overpopulated us. It is by this time, that we were certain that you have forgotten your past; you have forgotten about us, our bond, and our fate.
How do we know? We know by experience, the ways that you have deceived us, betrayed us, and slain us. What you are talking about, you ask. Remember that day, it snowed. It was cold and we were hungry; our noses frostbitten, our paws on the verge of being completely numb. We saw you out in the snow, crouching behind a rock, with a strange instrument in your hands; you were completely still. We watched you from the tree and moments later, there was a loud blast and the deer in front of our eyes fell to the ground. My dear son asked me if he may approach you and ask for a tender slab of deer meat. I answered no because I was not sure that you remember us, but my son ran ahead, out of our hiding place behind the tree, and toward you, my brother. Now is it wrong for my young son to approach you; out of hunger, and out of need, for a slab of meat for us all to feast on? According to you, brother, we were mistaken; for you glared at my dear son and with a shocked look on your face you lifted that strange instrument of yours and killed my son in an instant. You then carried his helpless body and threw him behind your back; his mouth dripping with blood, his eyes distressed and filled with grief. My brother, we watched you unfalteringly skinning my son, ripping his flesh apart; pieces by pieces, his blood pouring all over the white snow. My brother, it was the most repulsive and horrifying sight I had ever laid my eyes on; because it was done by you, my dear brother, it made this sight an infinite times more atrocious than it was. You then wore my son’s skin over your body; you lacked the fur you once had to keep yourself warm; thus you slay us to recuperate this loss.
Today, we are imprisoned in our small forest; scared to leave; unable to pursue our dreams of paradise and eternal bliss. We wish everyday, as the moon reveals herself in the pitch, black sky, for the harmony we once shared, the pleasure we once exhibited, with our cries to you; but you only glare at us fiercely with your defiant stare; you strike at us with your instruments and blades of aggression. We do not want your hatred, my brother, we just want your understanding; give us paradise, or give us your extinction.
But you, my brother, did not want to pursue this dream with us any longer; you did not want to run with us, hunt with us, eat with us, nor did you want to search for paradise with us. Instead, you abandoned us; you left us behind and walked off into a road of your own. As the years passed, your luscious fur has began to fall out little by little, your teeth have began to dull; even your keen eyesight has worsened and your ears shrunk and started to grow to the side of your head; without noticing you lost your tail and began to walk on two legs; you have produced more of your kind, so much more that it has overpopulated us. It is by this time, that we were certain that you have forgotten your past; you have forgotten about us, our bond, and our fate.
How do we know? We know by experience, the ways that you have deceived us, betrayed us, and slain us. What you are talking about, you ask. Remember that day, it snowed. It was cold and we were hungry; our noses frostbitten, our paws on the verge of being completely numb. We saw you out in the snow, crouching behind a rock, with a strange instrument in your hands; you were completely still. We watched you from the tree and moments later, there was a loud blast and the deer in front of our eyes fell to the ground. My dear son asked me if he may approach you and ask for a tender slab of deer meat. I answered no because I was not sure that you remember us, but my son ran ahead, out of our hiding place behind the tree, and toward you, my brother. Now is it wrong for my young son to approach you; out of hunger, and out of need, for a slab of meat for us all to feast on? According to you, brother, we were mistaken; for you glared at my dear son and with a shocked look on your face you lifted that strange instrument of yours and killed my son in an instant. You then carried his helpless body and threw him behind your back; his mouth dripping with blood, his eyes distressed and filled with grief. My brother, we watched you unfalteringly skinning my son, ripping his flesh apart; pieces by pieces, his blood pouring all over the white snow. My brother, it was the most repulsive and horrifying sight I had ever laid my eyes on; because it was done by you, my dear brother, it made this sight an infinite times more atrocious than it was. You then wore my son’s skin over your body; you lacked the fur you once had to keep yourself warm; thus you slay us to recuperate this loss.
Today, we are imprisoned in our small forest; scared to leave; unable to pursue our dreams of paradise and eternal bliss. We wish everyday, as the moon reveals herself in the pitch, black sky, for the harmony we once shared, the pleasure we once exhibited, with our cries to you; but you only glare at us fiercely with your defiant stare; you strike at us with your instruments and blades of aggression. We do not want your hatred, my brother, we just want your understanding; give us paradise, or give us your extinction.
speech to the furniture convention by laura baron
Mr. House: no inanimate object thinks more highly than I do of the quality, as well as the comfort, of the very finely crafted pieces which have been arranged in the house. But different objects often create the same effect in different lights; and, therefore, I hope that it will not be thought disrespectful to those pieces, if, entertaining as I do, opinions of an arrangement very opposite to theirs, I shall order my furniture aesthetically and with feng shui. This is no time for clutter. The question before the house is one of paramount importance to the spatial configuration. For my own part I consider it as nothing less than a question of chairs or tables; and in proportion to the magnitude of the room ought to be the freedom of arrangement. It is only in this way that we can hope to arrive at feng shui, and create the best configuration which we can achieve in our room. Should I keep back my color samples at such a time, through fear of bad taste, I should consider myself as incapable of color choice towards my walls, and of an act of indecision toward the outcome of the design, to which I strive through individual objects.
Mr. House, it is natural to a sofa to indulge in the aspiration of comfort. We are apt to shut our eyes while lying on one, and to drift into sleep upon those cushions, till morning light awakens us from dreams. Is this the duty of soft sofas, destined for a sedentary and servile life of luxury? Are we disposed to be of the number of those who, having coaches, lie not, and having chairs, sit not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal comfort? For my part, whatever relaxation of spirit it may reward, I am inclined to enjoy the comfortable cushions; to pick the coziest and to lie upon it.
I have but one lamp by which my room is lit; and that lamp is of brightness. I see of no way of seeing the room but by a light. And viewing from the doorway, I am able to see what there is in the corners of the room, to decide those things which visitors have been pleased to enjoy in the house. Is it that particular coffee table upon which our feet have been lately rested? Criticize it not, sir; it will provide a comfort for your leg muscles. Suffer not yourselves to be reclined on uncomfortable things. Ask yourselves how these luxuries of our furniture compares with the rock-like objects which provide discomfort and cause us pain. Are stiff cushions and hard chairs compatible to a room of comfort and simplicity? Have we shown ourselves ready to be comfortable, so that unpleasant objects may be removed to ensure happiness? Let us not pain ourselves, sir. These are the pieces of comfort; the necessary addition to the arrangement of the furniture.
Mr. House, it is natural to a sofa to indulge in the aspiration of comfort. We are apt to shut our eyes while lying on one, and to drift into sleep upon those cushions, till morning light awakens us from dreams. Is this the duty of soft sofas, destined for a sedentary and servile life of luxury? Are we disposed to be of the number of those who, having coaches, lie not, and having chairs, sit not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal comfort? For my part, whatever relaxation of spirit it may reward, I am inclined to enjoy the comfortable cushions; to pick the coziest and to lie upon it.
I have but one lamp by which my room is lit; and that lamp is of brightness. I see of no way of seeing the room but by a light. And viewing from the doorway, I am able to see what there is in the corners of the room, to decide those things which visitors have been pleased to enjoy in the house. Is it that particular coffee table upon which our feet have been lately rested? Criticize it not, sir; it will provide a comfort for your leg muscles. Suffer not yourselves to be reclined on uncomfortable things. Ask yourselves how these luxuries of our furniture compares with the rock-like objects which provide discomfort and cause us pain. Are stiff cushions and hard chairs compatible to a room of comfort and simplicity? Have we shown ourselves ready to be comfortable, so that unpleasant objects may be removed to ensure happiness? Let us not pain ourselves, sir. These are the pieces of comfort; the necessary addition to the arrangement of the furniture.
Red Flag by Ian Collicott
We hold these jock straps to be self-evident: that all face-masks are created equal; that they are crafted by their creator with football prestige and knowledgeable rights; that among these are first downs, false starts, and the pursuit of Super bowl; that to secure these rights, referees are instituted among athletes, deriving their black and white stripes from the consent of the National Football League; that whenever any referee becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the fans to protest and abolish it, and to elect a new official, laying its foundation on astro-turf, and organizing its penalties in such form, as to the players shall most likely effect their game day and eventual postseason.
He has refused fourth down after such dissolutions whereby linesmen, incapable of blocking have returned to the fans with consistent dispraise, the state remaining third quarter, exposed to all the hazards of blitz, rush, and headstrong defense.
He has combined with his fellow officials to subject us with a challenge, a red flag has been tossed giving pretended legislation of passenger interference unacknowledged by the receivers hands the referee reviews the play, the proceeding call explodes into abundance of roar from the people.
We therefore the representatives of the National Football League in General Congress assembled do in the name, and by the authority of every good fan of Seattle reject the verdict of Super bowl XL’s conclusion, we utterly dissolve all connection which may have subsequently resulted in anger after the prior match, and finally we do assert and declare that thirty percent of our workforce is indeed blind.
He has refused fourth down after such dissolutions whereby linesmen, incapable of blocking have returned to the fans with consistent dispraise, the state remaining third quarter, exposed to all the hazards of blitz, rush, and headstrong defense.
He has combined with his fellow officials to subject us with a challenge, a red flag has been tossed giving pretended legislation of passenger interference unacknowledged by the receivers hands the referee reviews the play, the proceeding call explodes into abundance of roar from the people.
We therefore the representatives of the National Football League in General Congress assembled do in the name, and by the authority of every good fan of Seattle reject the verdict of Super bowl XL’s conclusion, we utterly dissolve all connection which may have subsequently resulted in anger after the prior match, and finally we do assert and declare that thirty percent of our workforce is indeed blind.
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